When I began leading a teen adoptee support group in 2021, I was a novice with that population outside of my own teens. I had worked with adults and little ones for 17 years. But after many emotional and hard conversations with my daughter about the teen adoptee perspective, challenges, and quite honestly, my failures as an adoptive mom, this portion of the adoptee constellation became my greatest focus. I wanted to understand how they see the world, how they feel about adoption and their own personal struggles, triumphs, and insights. After all, I had spent years finding families for children just like them. How had I truly impacted them? And how could I help them and their parents sort out the emotions that came along with traumas from their pasts as they began the journey through identity formation?
And oof, they were a tough crowd at the start. I know the look teens have when they think you’re an idiot. And they all had it. I was sweating and cotton mouthed at the beginning of those first few sessions. But, you know what happened? They felt heard, their words, feelings and experiences were validated, and the group “got them” without further explanation or clarification. Great healing and growth happens in that kind of environment. When a person struggles in isolation, it can lead to depression, anger, and overwhelm. But in relationship with others who have similar experiences and stories, their own issues are normalized, connections are created, anger or depression is alleviated, and overwhelm minimized as others help carry the weight.
So, what began with parents forcing their teens to go to group, became a time they looked forward to. They even asked for longer and more sessions. No more sweating for me! I look forward all week to my time with them – even if they give me one of those teenage smirks once in a while. This is exactly where I want to be now, and I am so thankful that God placed adoption – the kids – on my heart so many years ago. I have learned more from teen adoptees than anywhere else. And you know what they have taught me? That they are the strongest, most resilient, insightful, honest, and determined group of people I have ever known. They are the very definition of “more than conquerors”. I believe they are starting to see that too.